Focus

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever sort itself out. I’m great at a lot of things. I do a lot of things and I love them all but I’ve never fully thrown myself into any one thing. So far it has been awesome to keep my options open even when it means losing some of the less-committed things in my life.

I have the feeling that the time to fully engage and focus my life might be coming. I have a feeling that I’ll be so committed that I am fully reliant upon external forces to keep me balanced and sane.

Sounds frightening, I suppose, but it’s gotta be better than constantly living in the in-between.

iPhone

I want an iPhone... Who doesn’t?

Why do I want one? Well... it’d be cool to have my email a bit more accessible. Visual voicemail would be great. Surfing websites would be a million times more accessible than on my current Treo. And it’s cool. Very cool.

It’s not that I just want to fit in with everyone... I just want to be up to date and I want to have the benefits that others have. The problem is, it doesn’t make sense at all to get an iPhone. Financially it would be a bad move. The cell phone plan that I have is virtually unlimited everything and the couple hundred bucks it’d cost to get an iPhone would be a bummer.

Truth is, I don’t NEED an iPhone, so I’m not going to get one right now. I’m trying to live for the things that are really important in life, and I don’t think that I can totally justify an iPhone right now.

Maybe someday.

Economy

Here’s the thing about the economy... It affects everyone. Everyone is trying to see how it is going to affect the country as a whole but I think it is so easy to lose focus on WHO that country is. It’s me. You. My parents. Your cousin... it’s all of us. We are the ones who have been and will be affected and this is what it means for the economy to affect the United States.

I just figured out a couple days ago how the failing of the US economy is affecting/will affect me: I most likely won’t be moving to Africa any time soon. It’s so strange to think that Cause Investments’ whole organizational model was based upon stock market performance and that the unstable market is literally ruining what was the beginning of an amazing company.

So, for now I’m playing music for some amazing artists and bands: Lovelite, Greg Laswell, and Ryan Calhoun, among others.

We shall see how long it all lasts until the next big adventure.

Sometimes...

...I hate having a blog. What's the point of having it if I write so sporadically that nobody will actually come and read with any regularity at all. But I write.

Life 'between the times' is rough. I mean... I'm not in school any more. I'm not really a gigging musician, I more or less just pretend. I'm not doing any work that I see a future in for myself (specifically - Africa).

I'm in between all of these and I think it is quietly killing me. What do I really have to do in any given day? Answer: Pretty much nothing. What do I do with most of my days? I mostly pretend to be busy... reading (meaning, falling asleep), working on Lovelite stuff, spending (wasting) time on the computer, and hanging out with Heather.

I feel much less heroic than some people seem to think I am, but here's the thing... I'm learning how to be. It's tough to realize that I'm not doing much of anything worthwhile and yet I'm still valuable and that I can just be me and that that is good enough. There will be time for accomplishments but for now I must be content to grow and prepare and love and learn who I truly am and who God is creating me to be.

I must also learn to be a man 'between the times' in that I need to be connected to a community of people who is also learning to live between the times. I need a church that I can be involved with that will stimulate Christ-centeredness and love in me. I need a place and a people that I can believe in and that will believe in me not for what we can each get but for what we can each give.

Guess I have to quit the church gigs. That won't be a bad thing.

7 Days Left...

...until Heather is back in the States. We've been talking about how we are nervous to be together again. We aren't scared, that has been said over and over again, but definitely apprehensive and anxious. I think it's the fact that we have been apart for about a month now and we are curious to see how we will interact and if things will be just like they were or if they will be different.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for. I know that I'm hoping that she learned a lot and that she used this period of time away from LA to grow and move forward. I don't want to ever be bogged down by it, but I think that growth and forward motion are very important in life and I want her to experience that. She is so important to me and I can't wait to have her back, but we are going to have to be sensitive about getting back in the swing of things and taking it slow being together again.

I'm praying that the transition will be smooth and that God will direct our steps in the short- and the long-run.

HMB

Life is different with a girlfriend. Life is better with a girlfriend.

I think the thing that I've realized most since I started dating Heather almost a month ago is that I crave companionship. It is incredible having someone on the planet other than my mom and dad that sees so much of me and still likes me. For some reason I feel a need to hold my cards close with a lot of people in my life but with Heather I don't, and it is so liberating. The more she gets to know me the more she likes me, and that is something I love. I'm learning to be myself all over again, just like I was when I began college, and it's just so healthy.

Heather is leaving for Costa Rica for a month on June 9th and I think it's actually going to be a great thing for us. Craig Keen offered these words to me in an email:

I think every relationship, however close, is to be worked out as if one of you would be called away in the future. Your going to Africa (and her going to Costa Rica and dating will be an exercise in that. And just because you are called away, doesn't mean that the relationship will end. It will just be different. It is important to stay vigilant.

This is something that is really shaping my relationship with Heather because it puts to reality of living a Eucharistic life... one that is constantly giving itself for the life of the world. As Christ gave his life for the world, so too is the Church (literally, the Body of Christ) to give its life for the world.

Good exercise. I'm growing, and I know she is, too. Very good exercise.

Didn't...

...get the gig. God is good.

Going to Africa?

Through the warm showers and the cold, I am Yours.

Potential

Seems like every aspect of my life is full of potential, but nothing is blossoming. At least not yet. Maybe 2008 is going to be a year of investment and positioning... Of preparing myself for the thing(s) God is going to bring to fruition in my life.

Ricky put it this way... My life and future right now are like being at a strip club (not that I'd know). Everything seems great and exciting but I can't really touch anything for real, and I have no idea if anything that I'm pursuing will eventually materialize into something meaningful.

But I'll keep pushing forward in all aspects of my life, even when it doesn't seem to make sense.

Unknown

I'm OK with not knowing what is going to happen in my future.

I gave that to God a long time ago. Not that I don't care what happens in my life, but I abandoned it to God's desires and that was the best decision I've ever made. It literally doesn't matter to me now what I end up doing with my life because I know that as long as I keep surrendered-to and seeking-after God I will be doing the 'right' thing.

What I'm not OK with (or rather, what I have a harder time with) are instances that necessitate action or decision making in the midst of such unknown. I want to make decisions but am held back by the openness of my future.

Example: My car's transmission went out last week. Bummer. Car trouble happens to everyone, though, so I don't mind too much. I also don't mind that I have to get a new car because my old one wasn't worth fixing. My anxiety comes when I don't know what kind of car to get or if I should just keep using the good ol' Buick Century that my parents are letting me borrow. If I am moving to Africa in May I shouldn't buy a car. If I'm going to continue to do music and keep gigging, I should buy a car that is going to be reliable, fuel-efficient, and has the correct cargo space.

What to do?

Pray, I think.

Tremendously Difficult

It is tremendously difficult to live for God’s glory. Living with the Kingdom as one’s first priority and focus is quite a task. Why is this? Why is living for myself so much easier? Why do I find that I am far more capable of putting myself first in my life than I am of striving for the things of God?

All I know is that I want to serve the Lord. I want to edify the Kingdom and I want each and every one of my actions to point towards that coming reality… That time that is racing toward Earth… That moment in time when there will once again cease to be an Infinite and Qualitative Difference Between Eternity And Time. The last time this happened the fractured relationship between Creator and creation was restored. As the second person of the Trinity shared our humanity we were blown wide open, experiencing the grace that was designed for us. In the moment of Christ’s second coming we will once again experience this grace, this time for eternity. In this moment and those forever to follow, the wolf and the lamb lie down together in harmony (Isaiah 11:6). Similarly, Eternity and time will once again be found chest-to-chest, embracing, hearts beating in synchronization, and this time it will last forever. Wrongs will become right and the Lord and his justice will rule the day.

This is the reality that I want to live and work toward in my life. It is not my first inclination and it is a daily struggle, but it is, in reality, the life I was designed to live and the only life that is really worth living. Daily I feel the temptation to despair at being so far from God, and daily I must be reminded of the age to come where there will be no distance to hold us back from one another.